Spring 1994 in beautiful Northern California, Carey met Therese – an attractively attired customer of the tire store he managed at the time. Still in his twenties, inexperienced in dating, and somewhat unsure of himself, Carey had the normal healthy male response to long blond hair and a smile; despite his shyness, he mustered the courage to ask for her phone number.

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Their relationship progressed quickly after the first date. She seemed perfect. When Carey’s mother met her, she mentioned that from a distance, she thought she was her own daughter. She’d be a perfect addition to the family.

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Carey noticed but chose to overlook Therese’s deep-seated emotional issues, and he tried to be understanding and supportive, but he was baffled by her moodiness, erratic behavior, drastic mood swings as well as her financial uncertainty which she presented as the biggest impediment to her happiness. She had lost custody of her two sons, and because her income exceeded that of her children’s father, she was required to pay child support and seemed to have trouble paying her own living expenses.

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Always the guy who wanted to rescue the damsel in distress (a codependent condition that drove him to throw caution to the wind, ignore red flags and personal boundaries), Carey came up with the perfect solution that seemed like a logical progression, albeit significantly accelerated, because they were already seeing each other every day and enjoyed an active sexual relationship --something an impressionable and virile young man could easily have believed to be “love,” in spite of their age difference – (Therese was several years older than Carey) and her emotional issues. They would live together, and he would pay all the rent. Therese was delighted. This arrangement lasted for most of the year.

However, two months into their relationship, Therese told Carey they’d have to abstain from sex for a few weeks because she had undergone surgery to remove what she told him were ovarian cysts (but it was actually an abortion of his child.) …Always the understanding boyfriend, Carey was concerned and supportive, but wondered why he had not been informed prior to the procedure. More on this later.

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Soon after that, Therese often exhibited violent outbursts without warning; of course, Carey was baffled. To him, she seemed like a totally different person. Sometimes, she would act out in violent physical attacks and strike him repeatedly. In later years when Carey sought professional counseling of a psychiatrist, Therese’s condition was described to him as classic Borderline Personality Disorder. These episodes affected Carey so deeply that he was concerned for his own well-being and decided that he should move out so he could get a break from the physical and emotional outbursts. Therese begged him to stay and not leave her, but he held firm and left the living-together arrangement – but he did not leave the relationship.

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Despite Carey’s exit from the apartment they shared, he and Therese saw each other daily. When Therese asked for money, Carey gave it to her when he could. On New Year’s Eve 1994, seemingly without cause, Therese exploded and attacked Carey unmercifully, demanding “…get out or I’m calling the  police.” When she picked up the hard plastic phone’s handset/receiver, Carey took it from her and replaced it on the phone. Then she grabbed it and hit Carey over the head with it. Still smarting from confusion and physical pain, Carey left…completely baffled and crushed emotionally. He had not known that Therese was already seeing someone else. Perhaps someone with deeper pockets.

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During the next month, Carey phoned Therese a few times to reconcile but her attitude was scornful and her behavior was rude. She told him not to call her anymore. He honored her wishes but continued to puzzle over her mixed messages and incongruent behavior. Then, two months later, Therese called him to help her move out of a place where she’d been living with the guy who had been Carey’s replacement. Carey-the-hero-and-people-pleaser rose to the occasion and immediately drove his pickup truck to her, thinking there was a chance for reconciliation. He moved Therese and all her belongings into her parents’ home where she lived for a few months of transition.

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Now Therese seemed like a changed person, with a calm demeanor after her most recent failed relationship/calamity. She told Carey that she had doubled up on therapy and was taking Prozac, and that she suffered from deep shame and guilt brought about by three prior abortions. She admitted to Carey that the story she had told him about ovarian cysts was a lie. Therese’s family raised her in the Roman Catholic faith; her brother is a bishop in the Church. Therese could not share the truth about her irresponsible behavior or her multiple abortions with them without risking severe judgment and disapproval.

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Slowly, Carey and Therese rekindled their relationship. Her spirits seemed brighter with each passing day. She moved out of her parents’ place and was gainfully employed. The couple often spent time with her two growing boys. Holidays were spent with both of their families. Carey was content, although he admits that he was misguided to entertain the idea that an untreated mentally ill woman could change.

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After months of dating, but abstaining from sexual activity, the couple had sex at Carey’s place after he prepared and served up a home-cooked meal for Therese and her two sons. Soon after that, they exchange gifts at Christmas and celebrated the holiday with Therese’s parents in their home.

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About a week later, a few days before the new year of 1996, Carey orchestrated a special Friday night date for Therese – dinner theater of gourmet food while watching a stage play. During intermission, the old financially beleaguered Therese reappeared, bemoaning her money problems and telling Carey that she was considering a job as an exotic dancer/stripper for money. She asked him for $2,000, saying that she had been given a pay rent or quit (eviction) notice. Post Christmas gift-giving, Carey was not flush with cash. The best way he could think of to comfort her was to take her out to dinner and make love to her. They went to her place after dinner and engaged in the same kind of sexual activity they had shared so often in the past.

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The morning after the dinner theater date, Therese awoke in a panic. She said she didn’t remember anything from the prior evening and asked Carey if they had sex. Simultaneously confused and angry, Carey recounted the last evening’s activities to Therese. She said she had stopped taking the pill due to lack of money and she said that she could not bear another abortion. She told Carey she never wanted to see him again. Carey had thought things were going so well, so naturally he felt blindsided and crushed…the return of the erratic and volatile woman shook him to the core – but his lack of self-esteem and his inability to let go of an unhealthy situation led him down the path of people pleasing in ways that would change his life forever.

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Two days later, Therese called Carey at work. She sounded okay, and he was relieved and filled with hope that she had come to her senses. His own wishful thinking had convinced him that she had called to apologize or reconcile. In reality, the phone call was pretexted by the local sheriff who was recording it at the time. The script was designed to get Carey to admit that he’d known Therese was asleep and that he knew what he’d done was wrong. He was so eager to please her, he acquiesced and made admissions he knew were not true – in the interest of making Therese happy and restoring their relationship.

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A few hours later, Carey was arrested at his place of business, handcuffed, taken to jail and charged with a litany of trumped up crimes. The nightmare began when he met the woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it continues to this day.